Humans of New York (HONY) — a project by Brandon Stanton sharing slices of the lives of people in New York — has been popular on social media for years. The stories always elicit emotional responses. Sad, funny, inspiring, or shocking, they make the world and the distance between us a little smaller. Stephanie, formerly known as Tanqueray, shared a story unlike any other in 2019 and HONY followers have been asking for more. Everyone was thrilled to learn that more of Stephanie’s story would be shared with the world in an effort to raise money to cover her care and living expenses.

Stanton had recorded sessions with Stephanie for a podcast that will no longer be produced because of a decline in Stephanie’s health. Instead, Stanton used the recordings to deliver her story in 32 parts on social media. For one week, hundreds of thousands of strangers obsessively refreshed their browsers, wanting to read every installment as early as possible. Each part added revealed another dimension of Stephanie’s life, ended on a cliffhanger and led to days and days of comments.

Who is Tanqueray?

Stephanie describes herself best in the post below but to provide an overview; Stephanie a.k.a. Tanqueray was a stripper in the ’70s and rubbed shoulders with influential men and mobsters, becoming one of the most popular dancers in New York City. She had a challenging and abusive childhood, and even experienced a brief stint in prison. As an adult, she created a name and unforgettable persona for herself experiencing ups and downs in her personal life along the way.

 

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFZtbXLnogh/

Her story gave us lessons that can only come from a life of considerable challenges lived by a person with determination and focus on her own wellbeing. We’re counting down ten memorable moments with Stephanie a.k.a Tanqueray:

1. Time and Memory

“For 18 minutes you’ve got to make them forget that they’re getting older. And that they aren’t where they want to be in life. And that it’s probably too late to do much about it. It’s only 18 minutes. Not long at all. But there’s a way to make it seem like forever.”

Stephanie was a dancer in several clubs in New York City decades ago. It wasn’t her dream job, but she had been dealt a tough hand and needed to make it on her own. Through her work, she learned about the nonlinear nature of time and the impermanence of memory. She manipulated time and memory, stretching minutes and clearing the minds of patrons in those clubs with the movements of her body. Like them, she wasn’t where she wanted to be, but she knew they could all be transported to a different reality by her own power.

 

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFaJQvfASdP/

2. Love and Family

“Lord, please get me out of here so I can find a family that loves me.”

Stephanie had a difficult childhood. She didn’t get the love she craved and knew was possible. For her mother, she was only as good as she was useful.

In the comments on this post, many people insist that Stephanie’s story be made into a movie. They write about how unbelievable or sad it is, they lament the terrible circumstances, and then they demand entertainment. It is odd to see the hunger for tragic, heartbreaking tales. It’s difficult to find the distinction between “I want to watch this movie!” and “This woman deserves to have her story on the big screen!” Every story isn’t meant for consumption through every form of media.

In other comments, people invite themselves to Stephanie’s family. By reading her story and having emotional reactions to it, many people have evidently decided that Stephanie now has the family she has always wanted. There are likes, there are comments, and they are people turning on notifications for the next installment. There is a difference between a captivated audience and a family. Sometimes, even given the distinction, a person is satisfied with being heard.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFamSOsHL2R/

3. Counter-Intuitive Choices

“Either I could give the baby up for adoption, and go back to live with my mother — or I could do ‘one to three’ in Bedford Hills prison. I agreed to give the baby up. But I wasn’t going back to my mother’s. So I told the judge to send me to prison.”

Even when she was in trouble and the odds were against her, Stephanie carefully weighed her options. She made careful, unpredictable decisions because she prioritized herself. She didn’t worry about what other people might think or the short-term discomfort. For her, it was better to be punished for sneaking into her mother’s house than to be sentenced to living there again, devoid of love. Freedom delayed was going to be better than freedom denied.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFa0frgHpzn/

4. A name to Remember

“She told me that I’d live my entire life in New York City. And I’d only be in love once. And that it would be a tough life. And a lonely life. But that one day a lot of people would know my name.”

Stephanie saw a palm reader before she left prison, then went on to live through the predictions. She eventually took on the stage name Tanqueray, suggested by her friend Oscar. She became wildly popular in New York City, particularly as a burlesque dancer. Her finale trick ensured that no patron ever forgot her, and many of them returned for more. When she gained famed, it was all about the experience she gave to others.

Even as her story is shared, people manage to center themselves. They cheer for her and congratulate themselves for being people who know her name. Yes, we are tuned in and we know her name, but why would we think we are the first when the story itself tells us otherwise? Even completely engrossed in Stephanie’s story, many cannot help but to make themselves a part of it.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFcTqs7H4Ud/

5. Self-Determination

“All my mistakes in life: the pregnancy, the prison time, everything — had been because I was trying to get away from something. But I was finally where I wanted to be. Now my mistakes would be my own.”

Stephanie’s story, though rife with grief and disappointment that balanced the satisfaction and success, is one of a woman in control. As a child, she had been a victim, but as an adult, she became a survivor. From the moment she had her freedom, she resisted the allure of perfection. She knew life wouldn’t be easy and she wouldn’t always do or be the best. Instead of chasing the impossible, she focused on making decisions for herself without fear of failure. She accepted mistakes as norm. Stephanie went after the life she wanted within the constraints of her reality as a Black woman in New York City.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFfjtnoHItP/

6. Just a Little Extra

“Most Gogo Dancers wore the same ballroom shoes that the Rockettes were wearing, but I could dance in heels. So I bought myself some bright red five-inch heels.”

Stephanie knew what she was up against. In every situation, she knew the reasons she might be denied whatever she was trying to get, and she used it to her advantage. She knew how to distract from the obvious by bringing something no one else could. Stephanie understood competitive advantage, and she wasn’t shy about showing off exactly what would give her the win she needed.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFkFJpxnKeS/

7. Strategy Helps

“We went to City Hall. I wore a black dress because I knew it was the end. He didn’t know, but I knew.”

Stephanie needed to get out of her relationship with Carmine when she realized he was battling addiction, but she didn’t want to end up with nowhere to live. She wasn’t interested in money or other assets. What she needed was a safe place to live. The best way to get it was to marry Carmine, divorce him, and get the apartment in the settlement. It was another one of her counter-intuitive choices. A little discomfort today for a better tomorrow, and a black dress to remind herself that the day was no fairytale.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFpugIPnVbm/

8. Opportunity Chains

“All I did was take a regular situation, and make it X-rated. I pretended like I was having sex everywhere: grocery stores, movie theaters, the DMV[…]Gloria published everything I wrote[…] You couldn’t buy that type of publicity. And after the first issues came out, I was like famous.”

Stephanie wasn’t thrilled about the idea of writing, but she saw the potential. The people reading her outlandish stories in High Society would come looking for her. Not only would she get paid for her wild stories, but the readers would become patrons. Stephanie mastered the art of turning one opportunity into another.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFqS-L6HPql/

9. Multiple Selves

“Nobody’s clapping for Stephanie. They’re clapping for Tanqueray. And sometimes I’d get so depressed thinking like that, I’d just start crying.”

Stephanie knows the difference between her private life and her life as Tanqueray. In her story, she tells us that the applause and awe for Tanqueray didn’t make Stephanie any warmer at night. Predictably, people in the comments assure her that they are clapping for her. Stephanie is probably grateful for their enthusiasm, but that doesn’t change the fact that these stories are not her. They are easily consumed parts and versions of herself that she is willing to share with the world. There is something about our discomfort with other people’s sadness and the rush to assuage them that makes the space for authenticity a lot smaller. That may be why so many people have multiple versions of themselves in the first place.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFr16PHnnHP/

10. Accepting Changing Phases

“I guess when you’ve been one way for so long, it’s not easy to be something else[…] Tanqueray was a lot of fun. But Tanqueray was Stephanie. And Stephanie was a teenage runaway from Albany: doing what she needed to do, and being who she needed to be, to get what she needed to get.”

Tanqueray faded away. She was no longer the hot ticket, and Stephanie was satisfied with shifting to another phase of life. Even switching from heels to flat shoes was a process, but she went through it. There are many seasons in life and as many iterations of ourselves as we create. Stephanie’s story shows that almost everything is temporary. What we get to keep and control is our own spirit.